soul falling up

Dear Boyfriend, 

I miss you. I really hate not talking at all, even if it really is just another of those weird times for you. It doesn’t help that I don’t even know if you’re mad at me or not. If I knew, maybe it would hurt less. I don’t know. There’s a lot of things I don’t know when it comes to us, to you. It hurts that we can’t talk about things and figure out what’s happening. I don’t understand why you seem to prefer going through hard times by yourself. Or at least, without me. In my mind, a big part of relationships is supporting each other. And it hurts that I can’t do that for you. I feel inadequate, I feel like you’re telling me there isn’t anything I can do to make you feel better. And, yes, I’m angry, but not THAT angry. I’m angry that you won’t listen to me, that you won’t tell me what’s going on. 

And I do feel bad about what happened to (in my mind, anyway) cause this. I didn’t mean to do anything wrong. I was upset that you had ignored me all night, and when I saw you out, I was even more upset that you hadn’t bothered to even text me back hours before. And then when you accused me of being- what, a cheater, a bad girlfriend? I’m not even sure what you were trying to say. But that especially hurt. 

And then, when you implied I was just using you for the nice things you do- At least, I think that’s what you meant- That crossed a line. 

When we first starting dating, I had so many serious discussions with my mother, and my best friend, about the way you made me feel safe. About how much I hated needing people around, hated depending on them for anything, but with you, I felt like maybe it was okay to need you a little bit. Not for the nice things you do, not for your car, but because you made me happy. You made my life better. And in the months that followed- even when we fought- you still did. I still felt safe, I still felt that I could count on you to be there for me. 

Even the first time you took some time for yourself and we didn’t talk, that was okay. Because I trusted you, I believed you. 

This time around, I don’t know what’s behind it. I don’t know if you’re mad and want time to decide if you want to stick around, or if you really just need to be alone for a while. All that I can think of is the worst case scenarios. That you don’t care enough to actually break up with me- that you’re just never going to talk to me again. 

This weekend was supposed to be special, if not for me, for you. And I’ve spent every night of the last week in tears, because it seems like you don’t want anything to do with me. Because I don’t understand what’s going on. 

You’re my best friend. You know things about me that I don’t tell people, things that I just can’t talk about to other people. For the first time in my life, I felt like I didn’t have the be 100% strong about everything, 24/7. Like maybe I could be the one who got to lean on someone else for a little bit, for once. 

Now I feel like I’m being punished for this. 

You’re all the things I want in a man. You’re easy to talk to, interesting, funny, you hold me just right when I’m unhappy, you make dinners and you actually take care of me. You make me smile. You insist I look on the bright side of things when I’m feeling like life isn’t worth even caring about. 

I want to be that for you, too. 

All that I want from you is to talk to me. Not just right now, not just about this week. About what you think, or feel, to just tell me what’s going on every once in a while. If we could just manage that- because I admit, I’m not nearly as vocal as I ought to be, either- things would be so much better. 

I’m not perfect, and I have flaws too. But you need to know that I don’t NEED you in my life. I’m with you because I want to be, not because of any of the things that you do for me or ‘perks’ of being with you. 

Bringing up problems terrifies me. I’m afraid you’ll leave me because I’m not perfect. Everyone else in my life has, and that’s not just relationships. I don’t want to do something wrong or rock the boat too much and lose you. But now that I might anyways, I’m just going to have to be terrified. I already am, and it won’t get better before it gets worse. 

I love you. 

blogsecret:

I would do anything for us to get back together. I don’t know what I did wrong, all I know is that I need you in my life.